Anodyne
by Painted Ys
Summary: Lying injured and drugged in the hospital, Sasuke considers Naruto a godsend when he comes to visit. After all, Naruto can kill the giggling pixie under the hospital bed, and then Sasuke can reward him thoroughly afterward. NaruSasu, warnings inside


This piece is dedicated to all my readers.

I understand it might not feel very personal, but it's important for me that you know I appreciate every single one of you, regardless of whether or not you voice your opinion afterward.

**Warnings****:** Language, OOC, Pure **crack** (drug-induced behaviour and thoughts), Slash/BL, Typos and grammar, Lemon, sort of PWP (unintended), Alive Itachi (because I love his protective streak), Not beta-read

**Notes****:** I had this whimsy… and it turned out to be crack, weird crack. Literally. Or it starts out like crack, and then it becomes a little saner at the end with a dash of PWP. Let's just excuse it with the fact that all drugs wear off eventually.

I'm not as pleased with this one as I am with _Catharsis_, but it does have its own sort of charm. And I had originally intended for this story to be K+, but then I got stuck at the end and solved everything with a lemon, so no… It's funny how things work out. Just consider the lemon a compensation for not getting one at the end of _Kismet_. I need practice anyway.

Still, I hope you enjoy!

Nora D: I feel pressured now due to your high expectations, so I hope I don't let you down with this. Anyway, your enthusiastic review was a real motivation for me, so thank you.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto. If I did, this fiction would be a filler episode and the series would no longer be a show for kids.

'_Thoughts'_

**Emphasis on a word**

_Flashbacks_

* * *

><p>Sasuke had never before realised that the world could be so wonderfully fuzzy around the edges and glowing so brilliantly in the middle.<p>

He blinked owlishly up at the ceiling. With the world tilted slightly on its axis, Sasuke was certain he had found his own sanctuary. _'So sparkly!'_ he thought elatedly. Who knew that the white hospital rooms could offer such divine tranquillity? Everything was just so wonderfully warm and welcoming, like a sprightly day. And… and was that a fly buzzing in his left ear?

…

…

…

It wasn't laying eggs, was it? Sasuke's nose crinkled in distaste. That would certainly ruin some of the room's heavenly appeal. Sakura had once told him that flies could lay eggs in cadavers. It was kind of the same thing. And through his ear, they would have direct access to his brain. What if they ate his brain and no one noticed until he was dead? His breath quickened at the thought as the raven tried to move his head, inching it to the side and away from the distressing buzz.

Sasuke knew he shouldn't panic. If anyone wanted to lay eggs on or in him, they would have to go through his brother first. But it was really hard to resist the urge to leap out of bed and run away from something that was trying to procreate in his ear.

Closing his eyes, Sasuke let the world fall off kilter and didn't even bother trying to right it. He was so hot. Like as if the room was on fire. He tried to focus on something else, and ended up giving all his attention to the low chiming sound in his left ear, dazedly wondering if the fly had mutated into a cricket. After all, crickets could sound like bells. Or was that a specific bird? Sasuke laughed to himself. His world was so odd right now, but at least the pain had disappeared.

He had hurt all over when he had been brought in.

Sasuke frowned.

No matter how much he tried to put his mind it, he could not for the life of him, remember why he had been blessed with that delightful experience. The only thing he knew for sure was that Naruto had carried him to the hospital, looking quite desperate. And that was something to carve into his memory for life. Sasuke had been quite touched when he had seen the worried expression on Naruto's face.

He no longer hurt thanks to Naruto. Now his body was just tingling, as if restless, insanely restless. Of course, had it not been for the blonde, his body would probably be dead. So all in all, Sasuke had no right to complain. He actually owed Naruto one now, and he had even tried to repay him a little when the blonde had been saving him. Unfortunately, it hadn't gone so well.

But had it not been for his tunnel vision and the icky substance stinging his eyes, Sasuke was dead certain he would have touched Naruto's cheek like he had intended to when he had tried to reach up with a hand to comfort him. Instead he had poked the blonde's right eye quite viciously, sending them both almost crashing to the ground, and that would have been oddly self-destructive. The raven was sure he would be mortified if he still remembered that particular incident when his brain was functioning more properly.

But apart from that little mishap, it had been a most wonderful happening in Sasuke's not so short life. An incident like that would forever be remembered and it was deserving of a name. A name that would do it justice and forever bring a smile to his face on gloomy days, and all other days too really. He sighed contently as he buried his head into the pillow with the little force he could muster. _'A deserving title…'_ Sasuke mused.

He should start off by analysing the situation.

Sasuke had been carried, bridal style, in Naruto's arms. And had it been any other day, it would have been quite disgraceful for an Uchiha to allow it so shamelessly. But he had been injured and delirious, so everything was justified. Besides, Sasuke was quite fond of the blonde. The fact that Naruto had been frantic enough to carry him in his strong arms through the streets of Konoha, spoke of strong affection, and no other knowledge could please him more.

And so Sasuke had decided on two possible name candidates.

First option was The Elevation Experience. After all, he had been lifted up when Naruto had taken him into his arms. And had not the experience left him completely elated? It had, and thus the title was sound, or at least the logic behind it.

Second possibility was the Impetus Incident. It had been the crush catalyst in Sasuke's love life, making the raven realise how Naruto could be solid boyfriend material. And while Sasuke could admit neither name did the heavenly episode any justice, he concluded it would have to do until he had more brain cells he could set on the task.

But for now, he was quite pleased with the temporary options.

Both of them had a nice ring to it.

And it was while Sasuke was basking in the brilliance of his glorious names that he heard it. It was the unmistakable sound of someone laughing, or more like giggling. And what was even worse was the fact that this person could only be laughing at him, because he was logically enough the only one in the room. Well, him and… whatever it was.

Cracking an eye open, Sasuke's head swivelled over the room, trying to find the source of the sound.

Nope.

Nothing was there.

Maybe he was going nuts?

Nutters?

Like, completely **crazy**!

The giggling continued.

Sasuke made a face as he tried to determine where the sound came from. Now that he thought it over really hard, it sounded like it was coming from his ass… Or no, wait. It was **under** him. As in under the bed! So there was the culprit… Sasuke pondered silently over this new discovery, because how could anyone **possibly** sneak their way into his room and crawl under the bed, without him noticing?

He had an image to maintain, and if it became known how easily he could be assaulted… No wonder the person was laughing! His senses were completely off at the moment. The room was way too warm and every limb was itching to just **do** something. But that thing under the bed didn't seem affected at all.

Maybe, maybe, maybe it wasn't even **human**?

Because no human could possibly manage to sneak in under his bed, without him sensing anything, no matter how fuzzy the world was. And it seemed inhumanly possible for anyone to then stay under there with this soaring temperature in the room. So that led him to the only logical explanation that this was something non-human.

It wasn't something Sasuke had dealt with before. The closest thing he had ever come over were crossbreeds between human and animal, and even then it had looked quite human and still very susceptible to the weather conditions and temperature.

But what had his brother told him stories about again?

Pexi…

Pixes…

Pixie…

Yes, pixie!

Small critters flying at the speed of light, coming in all shapes and colours. From what Sasuke could recall, Itachi had said they could be really devious. The raven had no idea if they had certain traits, like being unaffected by temperature, but the only thing of true relevance was that he had identified his potential attacker. Now he just needed to know when and how the resilient pixie would attack him.

What had Itachi told him again? Something about pixie dust, was it? Maybe it was going to make him choke on it? Sasuke smirked. Really? That was **so** not original at all! And it sounded so silly that had he not known better, he could assume it was all in his head.

For what were the odds that something was currently hiding not so discreetly under the bed, intent on killing him by choking? Most likely it was close to zero, but considering he was fighting a lethal fairy tale creature, it could probably defy all probability. And where would that leave him? Slowly being grilled to death while left to ponder what would get to him first: The hot temperature, his restlessness, the pixie under his bed, or the thoughts of the pixie under his bed.

And a pixie was strong, wasn't it? It could probably drag him out of bed and throw him out through the window. Sasuke seriously doubted if that would be enough to kill him, but it would certainly bring back the pain. It was a state of mind and nerves that he was still quite eager to avoid.

The raven pouted.

If he were injured again, he would have to go through another examination. Sasuke didn't like the thought of the Hokage dragging his pants down again in order to force him into the standard hospital gown. Only one person had Sasuke's permission to take off his pants, and that was Naruto. Sasuke's expression lit up. But that was strictly reserved for when he was going to get totally ravished. It was just too bad the blonde didn't know it yet. The raven would have to share this knowledge with Naruto as soon as possible, so he could commence the ravishing, but that circled him back to the issue of confessing.

Right now though, he had to focus on the pixie!

Narrowing his eyes in determination, Sasuke stealthily moved the sheets away, trying to angle himself in a way that wouldn't jar his side wound as he slid over to one edge of the bed. The raven knew he had to catch the pixie unaware so he would have to exercise discretion. Still, he couldn't stop a relieved sigh from escaping as moving did wonders to his tense muscles.

Pixies could fly, and moving objects were naturally harder for him to eliminate in his current state. However, had Sasuke been in perfect health, nothing would be able to save this creature of legends, but right now he could very well be playing with figurative fire.

Forgetting everything he knew about the laws of gravity, Sasuke had soon bent so far over the bedside that the laws could no longer be denied. With a surprised yelp, the raven became half-sprawled on the floor with one leg still positioned awkwardly on the bed. Listening intently, Sasuke was certain he could hear scratching noises coming from under the bed, sounding really close. It was probably the pixie scurrying into hiding.

'_Damn!'_ He had messed up big time!

Now the pixie knew he was onto it…

The door to his room slammed open and a frantic blonde scanned the room for intruders. After a closer study, Sasuke noticed he held a kunai in each hand, ready for action at the slightest sight of an enemy. Sasuke squinted. A kunai could certainly take out a pixie, right?

Right.

Right!

Sasuke was hit with such a brilliant idea that he was almost left with a whiplash. Naruto could do the job for him! Not only would it boost his hero complex, but it would also give Sasuke a good reason to reward him **thoroughly** later on.

Wasting no time, Sasuke quickly brought attention upon himself by knocking the floorboards with a hand, using the other one as wobbly support. "Quick, quick! Kill the pixie. It's under the bed, under the bed!" Sasuke was pointing and shouting, so how the blonde could possible lower his weapons and relax his stance, when Sasuke was so obviously on high alert, was way beyond his mental capacity.

Quite honestly, he was a little insulted.

And he felt like sulking…

Naruto should be chasing the offending pixie, not look at him so dumbly.

"Sasuke," the blonde whispered, hurrying over and lifting him carefully back into the bed. _'Oh right, now you're concerned,'_ the raven thought drolly as his head hit the pillow. Naruto was just so **weird**! And, and, oh! Was that a grey spot in the perfectly white ceiling? How come he hadn't noticed that before, huh?

Hang on!

He was supposed to think about Naruto. His blonde could be so **funny** sometimes. Sasuke chuckled with childish fondness, leaving Naruto to tuck him in protectively.

Well, it didn't matter.

Sasuke could kill the pixie on his own. He just had to ask Naruto to borrow him a couple of his kunai first. For some reason he didn't think that conversation would go down well. But if he managed to display his excellent throwing skills by hitting that particular grey spot in the ceiling, maybe the blonde would be convinced? It was worth a shot, but he would have to wait for the right moment to voice his idea.

Naruto bit his lip in sympathy after he had carefully checked over the raven's injuries. Sasuke was still having a blast, entertaining himself with the idea of a throwing competition, and didn't even care about the blonde looming over him. He was rather mirthful, and it took some time before he managed to pipe down. Naruto had pulled a chair closer to the bedside and was now watching the raven expectantly with raised eyebrows.

"Are you high?" Naruto asked bluntly, looking rather befuddled if Sasuke peered and tilted his head a little bit to the left.

"Yes, and I'm too hot. But the real issue here is the pixie who wants me dead," the raven informed austerely, trying to hear if the pixie was still there.

He was determined to get to it first, make it squirm in his grip as payback for laughing at him, and then it was going to be bloody! _'Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody!'_

Naruto blinked. "Why do you keep repeating 'bloody' to yourself?"

"A pixie wants me dead." Sasuke said, completely disregarding Naruto's question, but still with an agog look at the blonde. Instead of all the valiant effort to kill the winged thing, which he had originally expected from Naruto, the blonde just sighed and took his hand in his, tenderly stroking his knuckles with a lazy thumb.

Sasuke felt a little miffed, but he was quickly soothed by Naruto's gentle attention. The feeling of skin on skin was just **so** good and distracted Sasuke with thoughts of a nice and long romp against the wall, or in a shower, or… What the hell was wrong with him? He needed to focus!

So frankly, he had expected the blonde to attack his obvious offender with a little more gusto and bloodlust, especially now that Naruto knew how dangerous the bloody thing was… No such luck though. While a little insulted, the raven was willing to forgive the blonde if he could just get his hands on Naruto's kunai, or shuriken, or smoke bomb, or just sheer awesomeness. And then he could fix the problem himself, and afterward, Naruto could reward him by continuing his current administration, followed by something far more X-rated.

Which meant that this was probably the best time to bring up his brilliant pixie plan.

After rearranging the sheets meticulously, Sasuke held out a hand, waving pointedly in Naruto's direction. "Gimme, gimme," he insisted, bobbing his head at the blonde's utility belt. Naruto's eyes widened as his hand went to his weapons defensively. Sasuke thought it was funny because weapons didn't really need to be protected.

"I don't think that's such a good idea." Naruto protested with an awkward laugh and Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

Did Naruto really think Sasuke was unable to handle a pixie?

The insult.

The insult!

How could he **not** be able to kill it? Naruto wasn't the boss of him, and Sasuke had learned to take care of himself since he was just a kid. He was still pretty intent on starting a relationship with the blonde, but he had to set a few records straight first. It bothered him to think that Naruto probably thought he was useless when completely doped up on something that had looked baby pink in the syringe and had tickled something awful when it had been administered.

"Me ninja. You… boyfriend." Sasuke corrected petulantly. With renewed strength, the raven pushed himself up in the bed so he could rest against the headboard with a big grin, eyeing the perplexed blonde joyously. That was a sufficient explanation and Naruto would probably borrow him at least one shuriken now. After all, the blonde had to be aware of his aptness with long-range weapons, or else he would have to commence Operation Grey Spot.

But in Sasuke's opinion, the blonde no longer had a reason to doubt his unquestionable throwing skills.

"Boyfriend?" Naruto repeated dubiously.

"Yes! I've decided you're my boyfriend." Sasuke explained patiently with unrestrained joy, and Naruto's hand fell limply to his side. The raven was certain it was because the blonde was happy, so he obliviously ploughed on. "You should feel honoured!" he added, poking the blonde in the stomach for added emphasis.

"…What the hell did they give you?" Naruto asked incredulously as he quickly stepped away from Sasuke's reach.

"Everything!"

"…"

"Naruto? You look scared."

"I'm not…"

"Good. Then let's kill that pixie!"

"You're still harping about that?" Naruto asked, looking on guard as his hands went to cover his utility belt again. Sasuke snorted. It was as if the blonde thought Sasuke hadn't noticed what Naruto was doing. He was trying to protect him, Sasuke could tell, but he wasn't going to let the blonde shelter him. Sasuke was a very adept ninja with lots of successful missions under his belt. He would not be so easily swayed.

After all, he was an Uchiha.

And the pixie had to die!

"Of course," he replied petulantly. "We can't let a winged member of the fairytale family let loose its pixie dust and choke me to death."

"…So how are you feeling, Sasuke? Insane?"

"Maybe a little," the raven admitted, "but I usually feel better on Sundays."

"Today is Tuesday…"

Sasuke blinked. "Hn… That explains a lot."

"No, you're wrong." Naruto corrected flatly. "It doesn't."

Sasuke turned huge, black eyes on the blonde. "It doesn't?" he parroted, looking adorably confused.

Taking pity on the raven, Naruto just shrugged dismissively, silently hoping Sasuke would distract himself.

The blonde wasn't disappointed.

"Did you hear that?" the youngest Uchiha whispered, looking frantic as he restlessly shifted in his bed. "It's laughing at me again."

Sasuke launched himself at the blonde, clearly attempting to grab hold of something sharp, but Naruto leaped out of the way before anything potentially fatal could happen.

A soft hiss caught Naruto's attention, and to his horror he saw Sasuke clutching his side with a miserable expression. He looked like a kicked puppy, **his** kicked puppy that was.

"You have to stay still." Naruto admonished with a sigh, moving closer to help, but still looking at the raven as if he were completely unhinged. "You're jarring the wound."

"I'll calm down when you give me a kunai. I only need one." Sasuke negotiated.

"What do you even need it for?" the blonde blurted out before he had a chance to consider the impact of his words. "There are many other ways to kill… a pixie."

However, when the blonde's eyes fell on the suddenly still form of his supposed boyfriend, the warning bells in his head went off like fireworks.

The youngest Uchiha had narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, scrunching his nose in that special way when a particularly fascinating idea had entered his mind. And when Naruto said 'fascinating', he meant vicious in a really devil-may-care way. It rarely happened on missions because these ideas usually reared their ugly heads when Sasuke was frustrated or annoyed, which usually came hand in hand whenever the raven was concerned.

Realising he would have to prevent some kind of crisis, Naruto zeroed in on Sasuke's calculating eyes, not knowing what to expect, but clearly expecting something. When Sasuke's expression lit up and a dark smile crossed his lips, Naruto saw the severity in the situation. The raven was going to chase down that damned pixie with sheer abandon, and Naruto was definitely going to be caught in the crossfire somewhere down that road.

Naruto watched in slow motion as Sasuke tipped his upper body over the bed and planted the crown of his head firmly on the floor, facing the darkness under the bed with deep breaths and an expression that spoke of steely determination. There was no way in hell Naruto would ever be convinced it was a comfortable position for the injured raven. He made a move to help him into an upright position again, but was stopped when Sasuke started making hand seals; his tongue sticking out for added concentration.

Naruto narrowed his eyes.

Snake

Ram

Sasuke paused. The drugs in his system were obviously giving him a hard time, the blonde noted.

Monkey

Boar

Naruto took in the seals with a dawning look of horror on his face.

Horse

"Sasuke." Naruto said with feigned calm when Sasuke paused to think a second time. "I don't think that's a very good idea," he began, but his voice of reason went unheard.

Ox

Wait… Ox?

Naruto cocked his head in confusion as Sasuke took a deep breath. When he expelled with a huff, the sheets barely swayed by the force of his exhale and the room remained safely intact with no blaze of glory on its jolly way to demolish the interior. The blonde was torn between laughing at the adorably put out expression on the raven's face, or coo at him when two pitch black pools of confusion met his blue gaze and an already pouting lip started trembling dangerously.

"It didn't work." Sasuke stated matter-of-factly, looking quite petulant. "Why didn't it work?" he asked faintly, boring his eyes into Naruto's for help.

"You must've forgotten something." Naruto offered, trying to look helpful, though he was probably failing miserably. The blonde had no intention of ever reminding Sasuke in this state that he had mixed up the ox and the tiger (1). Nothing good could ever come of that, so instead he opted to distract the youngest Uchiha. "Maybe we should try something else," he suggested in what he hoped was a beckoning tone.

"**No**! I have to try again. Itachi would never give up so easily," the raven declared, and Naruto felt the most insane urge to intervene before Sasuke could remember the correct hand seals in his drug-induced haze.

"You can't kill the pixie!" he shouted, probably looking as desperate as he felt, daringly stepping closer to the bed.

Sasuke let his hands drop to the ground and turned his head on the floorboard, pivoting on the crown of his head (making the blonde flinch in concern), to look at Naruto incredulously. "Are you protecting it?" he whispered, looking betrayed at the prospect.

"No… Um, I… You know…" Naruto faltered, taking a deep breath as he fumbled to come up with a brilliant explanation for Sasuke to ponder in his unstable state. "The pixie… It's a guardian… Maybe."

"Say what?" Sasuke asked disbelievingly as he struggled to pull himself up on the bed again.

"Um…" the blonde hurriedly moved to help him, trying to buy himself some time. "It's… like a… lucky charm?"

"Lucky charm?" Sasuke repeated incredulously.

"Yes… Sent to you to keep you safe." Naruto responded with more firmness. "You should feel honoured," he added with a cheeky grin.

"But why a pixie?" the raven asked sullenly as he settled back into the bed.

"It's not a pixie per se." Naruto said gently as he covered the other's hand with his. "It… It takes whatever shape it wants to."

"Really? Then make it invisible and dead."

"Uh, I can try." The blonde offered hesitantly as he bent down on all fours and stared under the bed with an assessing eye. Sasuke watched eagerly as the blonde's head disappeared under the bed. He had no idea how Naruto intended to proceed, but whatever he deemed necessary, Sasuke was determined to support him in his decision. After all, Naruto was one of the very best in the diplomacy department, surprisingly enough.

People just couldn't get themselves to dislike him and Naruto had positively bloomed with all the friendly attention. It warmed Sasuke's heart to see the blonde so happy, but still it was obvious to the raven that Naruto was in need of a long-term partner, even if the blonde had not confided in him yet. And that was where the youngest prodigy of the Uchiha clan came in. While Sasuke was not up to par with his brother yet, he did consider himself an Uzumaki Naruto-connoisseur, and no one could ever beat him at that.

So when Sasuke thought Naruto was in need of someone special, he was naturally right.

"Sasuke? Do you want me to talk to it, or…?" came the muffled voice from under the bed, startling Sasuke as he remembered the blonde was risking his life and limbs for him. He should be paying more attention to the situation at hand, especially considering he was the only backup available. And that brought him back to one of the previous discussions: Naruto should have left at least a kunai with him! That way he would be at least modestly equipped for battle.

"I want it dead," Sasuke replied sharply, leaning over the bed a little to see if he could catch sight of Naruto's utility belt. "You can do whatever you like, as long as the outcome is the same."

"Isn't that a little harsh?"

The raven snorted. "It's a pseudo pixie. It'll manage."

"I'll try talking to it first." Naruto replied, sounding decidedly a little disturbed.

Sasuke sharpened his ears, trying to catch the conversation, but from what he could tell, Naruto wasn't talking at all. He idly wondered if the blonde might be in trouble, but considering the situation was playing out right under him, Sasuke would surely be the first to know if something went down. It would be quite impossible for anyone to fight under a bed, so the first thing Naruto would probably have to do if he had to fight, would be to blow it up.

The raven could hardly miss that if it happened.

Before Sasuke had registered anything, the blonde was on his way out from under the bed.

"It's gone now." Naruto said serenely as his mop of yellow hair suddenly appeared by the bedside.

"You haven't even done anything yet." Sasuke protested sombrely, looking bewildered as he made a move to check.

"Really?" the blonde responded smugly as he hastened to intercept the movement. "Then can you still hear it?"

"…No." Realisation dawned on Sasuke. "No! What did you do? Tell me."

"The pixie told me it would go away as soon as it was relieved of its duty." Naruto explained, carefully supporting Sasuke's weight where he was almost hanging over the edge of the bed in his eagerness to poke his head under there and see for himself. "So I volunteered."

Sasuke stared.

Here his hero was, shouldering his burden valiantly like a true ninja, and being a perfect gentleman on top of everything else. If Sasuke had ever possessed a shred of doubt before about whether he and Naruto belonged together or not, then this was certainly the final proof he needed to be eternally convinced. It was like fate was staring him in the face (and it was if he really squinted and pictured fate as something disturbingly shiny and obscure) and showing him his future partner as clear as though Naruto had made his orange-coloured jacket an even brighter neon shade.

And damn if that thought didn't make Sasuke all hot and bothered!

His gaze zeroed in on the unsuspecting blonde who had managed to wrestle him back into the bed in a comfortable position, and was now in the neat process of bundling him up in a cosy lair of warmth and safety, completely oblivious to the youngest Uchiha's scheming ways and the slow development of an ingenious plan. A bit on the simple side, perhaps, but that certainly added to its appeal as well. Sasuke would be a fool to not seize this opportunity when it had so willingly served itself on a silver platter.

And the bedclothes felt so nice against his skin. And now that he thought about it, the temperature even seemed a little cooler. It really looked like life was turning around. And the sheets felt just so damn good against his body! What the hell was he on? It was as if every nerve ending was on fire and every fibre in his body was responding to the stimulus, all in a very good way. Almost rubbing himself against the delicious fabric, Sasuke almost made a begging noise when Naruto stopped his mothering.

But the raven had already decided on how he should proceed, and there would be no one around to save the unsuspecting blonde. It was absolutely perfect. While Naruto's gestures had been very nice, and so very Naruto, Sasuke could certainly come up with other activities that would certainly get him fired up. It was as every part of him, every inch of him, begged for it. And Sasuke was not going to let himself down.

"I should do something nice in return," the raven purred, trying to look sultry where he lay safely ensconced in the hospital bed. "You deserve a reward," he urged as he gently slid the sheets off his shoulders, which was kind of hard to do because the blonde had done a really good job wrapping him in. He was sure he could see Naruto swallowing loudly in response and quickly plotted his next move. Dropping all pretence of trying to appear seductive, the raven decided he could show Naruto the truth: That he was just plain horny and had thankfully already chosen the lucky one he could lavish all his hot attention on.

"You can do it later, when you're feeling better." Naruto reassured thinly with a pat on the head.

It was a gesture that didn't sit well with the raven, because Sasuke wanted sex. "I absolutely insist," he pressed on, finally throwing away the sheets with determination. "Didn't you say you are now responsible for me?"

"Technically-"

"Exactly! It's all very technical: I'm horny and you have to fix it." Sasuke demanded, patting the space beside him eagerly.

Obediently, but with much reluctance, Naruto complied. With obvious apprehension and ever so slight exasperation on his part, the blonde allowed Sasuke to pull him closer. Naruto pondered the ups and downs of the raven's drugged enthusiasm before the words finally sunk in. When on earth had Sasuke had the time to consider anything even remotely connected to sex? And that question caused the blonde to blurt out the first thing that came to mind: "How did that happen?"

"Dunno. I think it has something to do with the blood flow." Naruto blinked at the absentminded answer as Sasuke shifted his own position to better accommodate the blonde beside him. "It's hardly relevant," he concluded, pressing closer to Naruto and stroking gentle hands over his chest with a content sigh. Sasuke was carefully assessing the blonde's reactions and doing his very best to distract Naruto from the fact that they were currently in a hospital room where people could come and go as they pleased.

Naruto seemed unsure, probably wondering if he should stop the advances or not. Sasuke seemed to sense his hesitation, but it only fuelled his efforts. The raven was dead certain this was exactly what the blonde needed and wanted, and he was definitely convinced it was what he needed. And so the raven was not going to disappoint the man who had so effortlessly saved him from an unstable pixie and a potentially slow and agonising death, or himself.

Naruto would just have to grin and bear it, but Sasuke was convinced he could get the blonde to enjoy himself immensely if given the chance, which he would get. Palming Naruto's face with firm hands and a gentle expression, Sasuke stared into deep blue eyes, going through numerous options in his head on how to best convey his message while trying to focus when everything in him was going completely crazy with want. Either all his physical and mental exertion lately had taken its horny toll on him, or maybe the pink Sakura-potion he had been given was kicking in big time.

Hang on. Didn't medication usually cause impotence? It didn't matter. His head felt clear, or at least clear enough for getting frisky. The raven was determined to get his way, and it was now or never. Sasuke had never before had the blonde in such a favourable position, and he was going to milk it for all it was worth, literally.

"I love you, Naruto." Sasuke declared gravely, probably looking a little unfocused, but he was still sincere and very eager to show how much. Naruto had closed his eyes and the raven couldn't really tell if it was a good sign or not, because he had never seen that particular look the blonde was wearing at the moment, but considering he hadn't pulled away, Sasuke could only hope it was an expression that would help his cause.

"I love you too." Naruto confessed quietly, looking at him tenderly. "Teme," he added, but it lacked the usual bite.

Sasuke grinned wickedly.

The raven had the blonde on the hook now, and there was no turning back for either of them.

"Great! As my boyfriend, I need you to do me." Sasuke proclaimed, tugging at the hospital gown in an attempt to pull it further up. "Like, right now," he continued pointedly, and almost fell sorry when his eyes landed on Naruto's puzzled expression. Yeah, the blonde was probably still reeling after all that had happened, but Sasuke was determined to conclude their business with a big bang. And Naruto was going to participate, because that's what all the big heroes did at the end of every story.

"Need you, Naruto." Sasuke said pleadingly, arching into the blonde's hand. And the raven could see the exact moment, when the last wall of Naruto collapsed, unfold in front of him. The blonde's expression turned agonising for a second, as if feeling awful because of his crumbling resistance, before a look of complete resignation fell upon his features. Sasuke almost felt bad, but in the next second, a very eager partner, already cupping a feel of his behind, was straddling the youngest Uchiha, and every worry disappeared on the whim when Sasuke felt the blonde's lips on him.

The blonde had buried his nose in the nape of Sasuke's neck, dropping content sighs in the raven's ear every now and then along with a quick kiss. "You will not move an inch, or I will stop," he ordered with a warning nip, leaving no room for protests. Sasuke stayed quiet as his hands explored the toned body on top of him, tracing every battle scar affectionately and caressing the muscles that arched under his touch. He savoured the deep breaths of anticipation coming from the blonde and that made the skin below his ear tingle in response, with every other body part following suit. Without a word, he pulled Naruto even closer to himself, cherishing the feeling of the blonde's weight on top of him as he teasingly nibbled on Naruto's delectable earlobe.

Naruto was fumbling with the hospital gown; in the end becoming so frustrated with the so-called garment that he yanked it so hard it ripped from the right knee and all the way up to the raven's waist, revealing the expanse of beckoning skin, already hot to the touch. Naruto groaned as he immediately descended on the stomach, tracing small, invisible circles with his tongue, alternating between breathing cool air on and kissing the wet trails.

Sasuke needed no further incentive and in his pleasure proceeded to undress Naruto. Or, it was more like tugging wantonly at the blonde's clothes with, in what was probably in hindsight, an embarrassing whine. Naruto indulged his partner's wishes every other minute, between desirable butterfly kisses and touching every part of the raven he could get his hands on with reverent worship. When he was completely undressed, Sasuke settled down a little, allowing Naruto more space to do with as he pleased.

No longer in need of an invitation, Naruto immediately took the throbbing organ in front of him into his mouth. It was begging for attention and the blonde was feeling particularly generous. While masterly massaging the head with his tongue, Naruto slipped an inconspicuous finger inside Sasuke's tight hole, relishing the feel of his raven tightening around him, completely in rhythm with his slow thrusts. And he continued showering him with doting attention until he had managed to stretch Sasuke to the point where three fingers fit nicely inside him.

Deciding to go in for the killing blow, Naruto tightened his lips around Sasuke's length, enjoying the small gasp he got in response. Sasuke was bucking into him, moving his lips silently with eyes closed and mouth parted just so perfectly that Naruto could feel his own erection begging for release. Quickening his pace, it didn't take long for Sasuke to come with a strangled cry. Apparently, he had thankfully not forgotten where they currently were, and the important need for them to keep it down if they wanted to finish.

Naruto rearranged them both so he was spooning Sasuke, always keeping clear of the wound and doing his best not to jar it. Guiding himself to Sasuke's entrance, it didn't take more than a beguiling push against his groin to get Naruto to enter. It took him two pleas from Sasuke for the blonde to get a good rhythm going, and his own heavy breathing conveyed his rapidly building desire. It didn't help that with breathy moans, the raven pushed back against every thrust, grasping the sheets tightly in his pleasure. Naruto snaked on arm over the raven's waist and took a firm hold of the half-hard length, pumping deliberately slow.

With a quick kiss to the neck, Naruto picked up the speed, savouring every sigh and groan coming from the body in front of him that repeatedly begged him to never stop hitting that particular spot. Feeling invigorated by Sasuke's encouragement, he doubled his efforts to bring the raven to completion a second time. Feeling the length in his grip twitch in preparation, Naruto gave a particularly hard thrust, earning a surprised gasp from Sasuke before he moaned lowly in his ecstasy. Delighting in the appreciative sound, Naruto picked up the pace until he came as well, burying himself deeply inside his partner who was still squeezing him tightly.

Basking in the aftermath, Naruto drew the almost dozing raven closer to himself, carefully rolling him over on his back for a more comfortable rest. He settled himself on the side, making sure to stick to the very edge of the bed in an attempt to give Sasuke as much space as possible. Sasuke was breathing deeply, feeling infinitely more at peace than only ten minutes ago. It was as if everything in him was calming down and the temperature had reached a much more pleasant degree.

Naruto was doing his best to wrap himself around his partner with minimum disturbance to the dozing raven. Personally, he thought he was doing a good job as he had now managed to throw a leg and an arm over him without any shifting required on Sasuke's part. The blonde was still trying to digest what exactly had happened and how he was going to proceed, and so neither of the two sleepy occupants in the bed heard the door open.

"If you really have just defiled my **injured** little brother in his hospital bed, that for the record now looks like a mess, clad in only a suspiciously torn hospital gown and with twelve stitches in his side, I suggest you start running." came a deceptively calm voice from the doorway.

The response was, much to Sasuke's amusement, instantaneous.

Naruto stiffened, all his previous listlessness forgotten as the raven could feel all the muscles in his boyfriend's body preparing for a flight as if he hadn't just been exhausted and ready for some shuteye. The raven knew that it would impossible for either of them to placate Itachi right now, but he was certain he could get his big brother to warm up to Naruto eventually, in another setting and with the right bargaining chip at hand.

But first he had a blonde boyfriend in need of saving at this very moment.

"Naruto saved me from a pixie. He deserved a reward." Sasuke explained pragmatically with a yawn, placing a calming hand on the blonde's shoulder in order to make him lie back down again. Naruto was currently in the middle of getting up, but he had to give in to the raven's persistent hand or else risk hurting him. With his entire body trembling from adrenaline, the blonde managed to situate himself into a comfortable position that did not inconvenience the man beside him, while still warily eyeing the doorway.

"We will **discuss** this when you're both more lucid." Itachi relented, throwing several dark glances Naruto's way. With an affirmative noise from Sasuke, Itachi turned off the lights before leaving the room quietly, as if his fury was nothing like an erupting volcano. But Naruto knew better. He definitively hoped Sasuke did as well, and that the raven had already hatched a brilliant plan on how he was going to keep his boyfriend alive for as long as possible.

"Don't worry about my brother. I'll handle him." Sasuke assured, pressing himself closer to the blonde in a cuddling fashion. Naruto could not prevent the need to swallow, but did feel a little calmer now that the immediate threat, and his potential killer, was not within sight. Doing his best to shrug off the feeling of doom that lingered in the room, he turned his focus on the raven already asleep beside him, slinging a protective arm over Sasuke's chest in response to the raven's affectionate needs as well as his own demand for something soothing to calm his high-strung nerves.

With nothing barging in on them for the next five minutes, Naruto allowed himself to close his eyes, but still keeping alert and listening to anything suspicious.

And it was then he heard it.

So faintly he would surely wonder in the morning whether he had dreamt it or not. It had such a distinct soft and lilting quality to itself; it was hard for him to consider if it was only in his mind. And if Naruto sharpened his ears and activated his imagination a little bit, he could easily convince himself he was hearing someone giggle.

Desperately determined to keep this little bit of information far away from Sasuke, the blonde shut the world out with the conclusion that Cupid was currently laughing his ass off under the bed.

* * *

><p>Sasuke woke up by someone poking and prodding his arm. Opening an eye, his gaze fell on his pink-haired friend, currently looking deeply entranced at his right arm.<p>

"How are you feeling?" Sakura whispered, doing her best not to wake up the sleeping blonde next to him. And for that, Sasuke gave her silent credit. _'If only it hadn't been so bloody early'_, he commented to himself, looking at the watch on the nightstand that read 4 a.m. with slight resentment.

"What are you doing here? It's too early for the regular check-up," he replied dazedly, before his mind sprung into action and he suddenly became wide-awake, startling Sakura as his arm jolted out of her grip.

_Pixie_

_Laughter_

_Insults_

What on earth had he done?

_Pouting_

_Kunai_

_Sulking_

What were these memories?

_Naruto_

_Sweat_

_Moans_

His mind was in shambles and sending him bits and pieces of a, if true, extremely embarrassing story.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing after I-," the pink-haired woman trailed off cautiously. "Did everything go okay yesterday?"

"I don't know. I just get lots of awkward flashes and…" he trailed off, staring at the blonde beside him as if he first registered him now. And then it hit him like a ton of bricks as he realised the pink-haired doctor wasn't just here out of the kindness of her heart. She was here for damage control… Sasuke stared at her suspiciously. "What did you do?" he demanded.

"It's a really funny story!" Sakura replied quickly, followed by a delicate laugh. "You see, I might have mixed up the injection I gave you yesterday and instead of the morphine, I might have administered an aphrodisiac. **But** you seem to be doing **really** well, so I guess they must have had the same effect…" she trailed off nervously.

"You what?" he hissed. "Do you have any idea how I acted while I was on that drug? I went completely paranoid, thinking a pixie was after me. And then Naruto came and I reacted like a spoiled five-year-old on three tons of sugar after having a nightmare!"

"Well, if it helps any, you **are** spoiled." Sakura pointed out skittishly. "And it's impossible to digest three tons of sugar at once. You would die trying."

"I'd **rather** die trying!"

"Okay… Does that mean I have to put you on suicide watch?"

"Sakura!"

"Oh, come on, I got you laid, didn't I?" came the sharp retort, and Sasuke realised he might have complained a bit too much, considering the outcome. "You got your happy ending, now get Naruto to introduce me to Gaara (2) like you promised!" she demanded.

"I still don't get why you just couldn't ask Naruto yourself."

"Because Naruto is crap at keeping secrets and you know it. Now stop being difficult and hold up your end of the bargain!"

Sasuke looked down at the blonde.

While it was a little weird Naruto hadn't woken up despite the ruckus, it was possible he had been awake for most of the night, keeping an eye out for Itachi. And should he be honest, Sasuke did think it wise of him to sleep with one eye open, but if it knocked him out like this all the time, the raven might have to offer another solution later on. The blonde was sleeping neatly on the side, stealthily keeping his limbs glued to as little of the bed surface as possible in order to give Sasuke more space.

Naruto was loud, ambitious, kind, loyal almost to a fault, friendly, courageous, and so very much perfect. And even more surprising, he now belonged to Sasuke and Sasuke was his in return, although he had not woken up and confirmed that yet. Not that the raven would ever accept another answer, because aphrodisiac or not, the man was good in bed.

Also, Sasuke loved him.

That counted for something too.

And with that in mind, he caved to the pink-haired woman's wish. "Fine, I'll do it."

* * *

><p>(1) Correct hand seals for 'Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique' (according to first databook): snake, ram, monkey, boar, horse, tiger<p>

(2) Don't read too much into this. Gaara was the only one I could come up with who Sakura does not know too well already. If you have another suggestion, I'm more than willing to hear it.

The last part of the story is purely for Naruto's peace of mind. I think he would feel really guilty without a proper excuse for defiling the love of his life, so that's why it's important for me to explain Sasuke's persistence and to "justify" the outcome.

* * *

><p>I swear on my life that the next Naruto fiction I publish will contain a so badass-Sasuke that you'll think he's on steroids. I swear it!<p>

Now my mission to publish something on my birthday is completed. Happy Birthday to me!

Review and be rewarded with happiness, or something…

P-Ys


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